PORTLAND, OR – OHSU announced today today that the recent addition to OHSU hospital has been completed and is now open for business. The addition was originally to be named the Peter Kohler Pavilion, however OHSU president Joe Robertson announced today that OHSU and the Chicago-based McDonald’s corporation have entered into a co-marketing agreement in an effort to defray construction costs and capture a larger share of the medical market. As part of the deal, the OHSU Hospital addition will be named “The McOHSU McKohler Pavilion.”
In addition to the McOHSU pavilion, plans were announced to franchise emergency rooms and pharmacies. The “McOHSU McClinics” will be modeled after McDonald’s highly successful restaurant chain, which has featured fast service, well scrubbed counters and perky staff.
The announcement comes just eight days after a USA today poll showed that most Americans associate the fast food chain with indigestion, huge cholesterol loads, and death. CEO Ronald McDonald wore a bright red and white three-piece suit as he addressed reporters: “Confronted with an increasingly health-conscious populace, McDonald’s and OHSU are prepared to put our resources into healthcare for all our regular customers, be they black, white, red, or clown.” McDonald tweaked his red nose and went on: “Today’s health care consumer has been stranded in waiting rooms and abandoned by private insurance and the government. We want people to come to a place where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came. Since the “Cheers” bar has a limited seating capacity and no CT or MRI, we’re preparing to fill the void. And we won’t stop until we can proclaim over one trillion patients served!”
According to preliminary plans, most McOHSU McClinics will adjoin the restaurants themselves. “Our goal is for one-stop shopping,” president Joe Robertson explained. “the health problems one might develop during lunch can be immediately addressed by our McDoctors in the clinic next door. Our slogan will be ‘Physicians, pharmacists, and fun.’”
In addition to introducing economies of scale, the McOHSU McClinics will be cost-effective because of a personnel policy that seeks out young employees, many of whom have not yet completed – or even begun – their training as health professionals.
According to Joe Robertson, “OHSU has recently signed a deal with EPIC Systems Incorporated to install an electronic medical records system at OHSU. We’ll be using a computerized system for ordering lab tests, modeled after the restaurant cashier system, with labeled buttons for each test. So if you need a McOHSU McX-ray, just push the button. If you need to test the McUrine, there’s a button for that.” Weekly discount tests will be featured along with a special drive-up window for skin problems. Dr Neil Swanson, chairman of dermatology exclaimed – “Just flash the rash, pay the cash, get the cream and go!”
OHSU and McDonalds are not alone in their efforts to snare a portion of the rapidly growing fast health care market. The Jack in the Box Corporation is test-marketing a “Doc in the Box” concept for implementation in 2009. In addition, “KFC” company has a “Kentucky Treated Patient” plan in the works.
An attempt by rival Burger King to establish a chain of surgical centers failed last year after their motto, “Have it your way,” resulted in innumerable failed surgeries performed by inexperienced patients.
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