On Monday, in an effort to reduce health care costs, Oregon Health and Sciences University (OHSU) announced that in response to the recent tort cap ruling and resulting financial crises that OHSU would no longer offer other health care plans, but would offer their self branded “HMO Oregon” plan. This new plan is part of the financial austerity program instituted by the university along with the “work from home” program for house keeping services.
OHSU president Joe Robertson stated that “every crisis is an opportunity and someone should be taking advantage of that opportunity.” He went on to say “our profession has an old saying ‘first do no harm’, well we think we can do better than that with ‘first do nothing.’”
President Robertson announced that the aim of the new health care plan was to “be profitable to mankind or at least a portion thereof.”
Modeled on the US Government’s Agricultural Subsidy Program, in which farmers are paid not to grow crops, our new HMO Oregon program pays doctors not to treat patients. This keeps demand high and spurs the national economy.
President Robertson said “doctors love our plan because they can provide less care and make more money.” Under the HMO Oregon program, doctors provide one-third as much care as regular plans, yet get the same great pay as they’ve come to expect from other plans. Less care! More Money!
Patients love HMO Oregon, because they can avoid uncomfortable and potentially dangerous diagnostic tests. Diagnostic tests frequently lead to futile and painful treatments – and patients often recover without treatment.
HMO Oregon: More health! Less money!
“The program really puts doctors and patients on the same side” said the dean of the school of medicine. The following fee table show just how much the HMO Oregon program can gain for both the doctor and Patient.:
Diagnostic Test or Treatment MD Kickback for not ordering Saving to Patient
Sigmoidoscopy $72.00 rectal pain, humiliation
Cardiac catheterization $423.00 heart attack, stroke
Appendectomy $12.95 unattractive scar
Cataract surgery $390.70 blindness
CAT scan of head $128.00 avoiding X-ray exposure
Urinalysis $1.08 urine loss
Knee replacement $579.48 prolonged physical therapy
The new plan is available at three different levels:
HMO Oregon Platinum – The PermiCare Option.
If you choose our top of the line option, we guarantee to keep you alive no matter what, in whole or in parts. You’ll outlive your problems–and our Permanent Asset Management benefit means your heirs will never be troubled by financial decisions.
HMO Oregon Silver – The TermiCare Option.
Select from a wide range of TermiCare options, all with our unique “right to die” clause, easily and painlessly invoked at either your choice or ours whenever the burden of your illness becomes too great, or too expensive.
HMO Oregon Aluminum - The EconoCare Option.
Illness can drain your family finances. But with the EconoCare plan there’s no need to worry. If you fall seriously ill, we’ll waive your fees and benefits!
With these new plans OHSU hopes to usher in a new era of healthcare and ultimately to dominate the health management industry.
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