Today Oregon Health and Sciences University announced the “One bag a day” initiative to help cut the cost of the environmental services. “One of the problems with the work from home program for housekeepers was that the garbage was not being collected” stated president Joe Robertson at yesterdays press conference. We’ve been trying to cut wasteful spending, well how about cutting spending on waste?

We are asking every employee of Oregon Health and Sciences University to take home one bag of garbage each day, said Bill Rundig head of environmental services. “We don’t really care what you do with it after that. Most workers will simply take it home, while others who work at other hospitals might drop it off there and make it their problem. “The working premise here is ‘out of sight out of mind’, just as long as we get the stuff off our campus.

Just pictures these on your OHSU ID

Say goodbye to Rose awards and hello to Garbage awards.
To encourage participation there will be a point system for garbage collection and you can win exciting prizes and get garbage can stickers for your ID.The rose awards have been fantastically popular with employees, so we thought “what the heck” lets start a garbage award. Every 100 points you will get a garbage can sticker to proudly display on your OHSU ID. Small office garbage bags are worth 1 point, Large 50 gallon garbage bags are worth 5 points, Red Biohazard bags are worth 20 points, and (the holly grail of garbage collection) – Yellow radioactive waste bags are worth 100 points

Just stop by the new garbage tally booths at the bottom of Sam Jackson Park Road, show us your garbage, get your card punched and go. “It’s just that easy and fun!”

You can win this snazzy T-Shirt from OHSU

After only 200 points you can get a “I collect garbage at OHSU t-shirt”, and with 1000 points you will receive a genuine OHSU logo 50 gallon rolling trash can as our way of saying thanks for taking out the trash.

JCAHO JPOD can store all the stuff you don't want JCAHO to see, without the bother of figuring out where it should really go.

Oregon Health and Sciences University (OHSU) is gearing up for another round of JCAHO inspections. Memmos have been circulating urging all departments to get ready. Happily OHSU has announced contracts with a new company called JCAHO JPODS that can help departments meet those pesky regulations. Modeled after the popular PODS see in the driveways at many home foreclosures as home owners look for a place to store their belongings, the JCAHO JPOD is specially designed to meet the stringent demands of hospital administrators.

Don't let JCAHO find these little nuisances, let JPOD hide the stuff.

We have all struggled with how to make it look like we follow JCAHO regulations when they come to visit. How many of us have tried to memorize the mission statement but ultimately resorted to scribbling it on our hands, on the off chance the JCAHO police pounce on us. Even worse -  what to do with all the junk in the hallways. Worry no more. Let JCAHO JPODS do the work.

As JCAHO time rolls around just get on OZONE and follow the twelve easy to follow links to the online form for your departments JPOD. After you fill out the forms, and have the required 5 notarized signatures you can hand deliver the form to President Robertsons office for final approval. In no time your very own JPOD will arrive ready to accept your departmental junk. Just imagine the look your your supervisors face when they see how neat and tidy your department is.

The JCAHO JPOD company reports that next year they are coming out with JCAHO personnel ePOD to hide employees that you wish JCAHO would never come in contact with. The personnel ePOD looks like a office on the inside, with a computer and all the other office fixin’s. Your employees will think they are doing work, little will they know that the door is locked from the outside and their computer is not really connected to EPIC. Gosh, everyone will have a good laugh, and you will pass your inspection too!

Before JPOD the hallways at the OR front desk were a mess, but now everything is nice and tidy. Thanks JPOD.

New CHH coffee mug, good for drinking toilet water too!

OHSU and the Oregon department of water safety announced that the Center of Health and Healing (CHH) toilet water is now safe to drink. The landmark building received Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design (LEED) platinum certification two years ago and there was concern that people would confuse  green building with good drinking water. “We were worried people would drink the toilet water before we had completed the health certification process”, so we installed warning signs.

Our administrative team at CHH jumped at the opportunity to make 640 custom warning signs for all the bathrooms. “Without those signs who knows how many people would have consumed the toilet water,” he added (in the spirit of Ernest and Julio Gallo) “We will serve no toilet water before its time!”

Old CHH toilet water warning

Now clinic patrons no longer have the inconvenience and nagging worries about drinking directly from the toilet. “Drink up and enjoy”, said Mark Blinderpharg CHH building manager as he sipped from his  mug. We think that we can reduce some of the budget short fall by selling the new CHH coffee mugs. What better way to bring back memories of your visit to CHH than by sipping a warm drink from your very own limited edition toilet mug.

A new employee learning the basics of humming on the phone.

The Communications department announced that it would no longer pay royalities on telephone music that has provided hours of listening pleasure for OHSU employees and civilians alike. “We can no longer afford to pay for the hold music” announced Bill Johnson chief of telecommunications. He added, ” we are encouraging all operators and employees to hum into the phone instead”. Some employees were enthusiastic about the new development and looking forward to putting their humming chops to the test. Operator Trish Bongle reported that she had hoped to go to Hollywood after her audition on American Idol this year. “I didn’t make the cut, but I can now hum my audition song (Beyoncé- Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) with gusto over and over again.” While some early reports of rap tunes rendered in humming were not favorable ( T.I. – Whatever You Like), other employees waxed nostalgic for the old hold music and found themselves humming all the old tunes. ” After 10 years of listening to the same dam music over and over, day in and day out I can’t get it out of my head,” stated Dean Richardson. “I would like to be able to hum a different tune, but once something is stuck in my head it just won’t budge.”

The University has announced a manditory on-line training module entitiled “Humming respectfully in the work place”. The training course has been modeled on the wildly popular “Respect in the workplace” module that previously featured Unisex guy in pajamas to guide you through a painfully obvious review of what you learned in kindergarden. The new training coveres topics such as: Song selection, Vibrato, Making sure your humming is not sexual harassment, and more..

Sphen Noggels new OHSU dean for Interior Design

A recent 6 week construction project was carefully orchestrated to make sure that the hospital entrance looked exactly the same as before the construction. Great pains were taken to ensure that the new design aesthetic was maintained. “We took photos of the rust and decay before we started to make sure that there was no significant impact on the overall “feel” of the entrance.” If the rusty railings, cracked steps, and peeling anti-skid tape were altered we were afraid our usual customers would feel alienated.”

President Robertson added, “since much of our customer base is struggling right now we thought that creating an atmosphere that felt more ‘homey’ and trailer park like would attract more homeless and under employed people to our institution.”
Former department of surgery chairman Don Trunkey was named as the faculty ambassador for the design effort. “I’ve been a fan of Early American Tenement design for years and have incorporated many of the design principles into my own office. I can bring a unique real world, down home, no-nonsense approach that our faculty can implement in their own work areas. Heck, it works for me, it can work for you.”

OHSU also announced that housekeeping services would implement a work from home program in an effort to cut costs and foster the new design motif. The head of housekeeping services indicated that his employees could not focus on their work in an environment with bad smells, and scary blood. “These are not good working condition for anyone” said president Robertson. “Our workers want an environment were they can avoid commuting, wear whatever they want, and can work at their own pace. With the housekeeping telecommuting initiative the university claims that, while trash collection my suffer, overall cleanliness will substantially improve.

OHSU president Joe Robertson stated that “every crisis is an opportunity and someone should be taking advantage of that opportunity.”  He went on to say “our profession has an old saying ‘first do no harm’, well we think we can do better than that with ‘first do nothing.’”

President Robertson announced that the aim of the new health care plan was to “be profitable to mankind or at least a portion thereof.”

Modeled on the US Government’s Agricultural Subsidy Program, in which farmers are paid not to grow crops, our new HMO Oregon program pays doctors not to treat patients. This keeps demand high and spurs the national economy.

President Robertson said “doctors love our plan because they can provide less care and make more money.” Under the HMO Oregon program, doctors provide one-third as much care as regular plans, yet get the same great pay as they’ve come to expect from other plans. Less care! More Money!

Patients love HMO Oregon, because they can avoid uncomfortable and potentially dangerous diagnostic tests. Diagnostic tests frequently lead to futile and painful treatments – and patients often recover without treatment.

HMO Oregon: More health! Less money!

“The program really puts doctors and patients on the same side” said the dean of the school of medicine. The following fee table show just how much the HMO Oregon program can gain for both the doctor and Patient.:

Diagnostic Test or Treatment             MD Kickback for not ordering               Saving to Patient

Sigmoidoscopy                                          $72.00                                                        rectal pain, humiliation
Cardiac catheterization                        $423.00                                                        heart attack, stroke
Appendectomy                                           $12.95                                                         unattractive scar
Cataract surgery                                     $390.70                                                         blindness
CAT scan of head                                   $128.00                                                         avoiding X-ray exposure
Urinalysis                                                     $1.08                                                         urine loss
Knee replacement                                   $579.48                                                        prolonged physical therapy

The new plan is available at three different levels:

HMO Oregon Platinum – The PermiCare Option.

If you choose our top of the line option, we guarantee to keep you alive no matter what, in whole or in parts. You’ll outlive your problems–and our Permanent Asset Management benefit means your heirs will never be troubled by financial decisions.

HMO Oregon Silver – The TermiCare Option.

Select from a wide range of TermiCare options, all with our unique “right to die” clause, easily and painlessly invoked at either your choice or ours whenever the burden of your illness becomes too great, or too expensive.

HMO Oregon Aluminum -  The EconoCare Option.

Illness can drain your family finances. But with the EconoCare plan there’s no need to worry. If you fall seriously ill, we’ll waive your fees and benefits!

With these new plans OHSU hopes to usher in a new era of healthcare and ultimately to dominate the health management industry.

A portion of the health club will be retained and energy generated by attaching electrical generators to the spinning bikes, elliptical trainers, and weight machines. The electricity generated will be used to power the chicken fryers. President Joe Robertson remarked “this is an opportunity to bring Gilligan’s Island technology into the 21st century.” He went on to say that the “fat footprint” (similar to carbon foot prints) will be small since the pounds packed on from fried chicken, will be balanced out as calories are burned on the stationary bikes.

In addition to the McOHSU pavilion, plans were announced to franchise emergency rooms and pharmacies. The “McOHSU McClinics” will be modeled after McDonald’s highly successful restaurant chain, which has featured fast service, well scrubbed counters and perky staff.
The announcement comes just eight days after a USA today poll showed that most Americans associate the fast food chain with indigestion, huge cholesterol loads, and death. CEO Ronald McDonald wore a bright red and white three-piece suit as he addressed reporters: “Confronted with an increasingly health-conscious populace, McDonald’s and OHSU are prepared to put our resources into healthcare for all our regular customers, be they black, white, red, or clown.” McDonald tweaked his red nose and went on: “Today’s health care consumer has been stranded in waiting rooms and abandoned by private insurance and the government. We want people to come to a place where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came. Since the “Cheers” bar has a limited seating capacity and no CT or MRI, we’re preparing to fill the void. And we won’t stop until we can proclaim over one trillion patients served!”
According to preliminary plans, most McOHSU McClinics will adjoin the restaurants themselves. “Our goal is for one-stop shopping,” president Joe Robertson explained. “the health problems one might develop during lunch can be immediately addressed by our McDoctors in the clinic next door. Our slogan will be ‘Physicians, pharmacists, and fun.’”
In addition to introducing economies of scale, the McOHSU McClinics will be cost-effective because of a personnel policy that seeks out young employees, many of whom have not yet completed – or even begun – their training as health professionals.
According to Joe Robertson, “OHSU has recently signed a deal with EPIC Systems Incorporated to install an electronic medical records system at OHSU. We’ll be using a computerized system for ordering lab tests, modeled after the restaurant cashier system, with labeled buttons for each test. So if you need a McOHSU McX-ray, just push the button. If you need to test the McUrine, there’s a button for that.” Weekly discount tests will be featured along with a special drive-up window for skin problems. Dr Neil Swanson, chairman of dermatology exclaimed – “Just flash the rash, pay the cash, get the cream and go!”
OHSU and McDonalds are not alone in their efforts to snare a portion of the rapidly growing fast health care market. The Jack in the Box Corporation is test-marketing a “Doc in the Box” concept for implementation in 2009. In addition, “KFC” company has a “Kentucky Treated Patient” plan in the works.
An attempt by rival Burger King to establish a chain of surgical centers failed last year after their motto, “Have it your way,” resulted in innumerable failed surgeries performed by inexperienced patients.